You know, when you put off updating a blog for a damned long time (in this case, about a month, and that month being the first month of the first semester of your first year), you get into this vicious cycle of constant delay because you figure, hell, what's one more delayed rant about a mini crisis in the whole long scheme of things. Well, I'm trying to break out of that cycle and start updating more regularly, so here goes a quick recap of whats been going on with me/revelations from the past few weeks:
-Whoever told me my rigorous undergrad education would make grad school seem like a breeze LIED. All I do is work, watch trashy tv to let my brain rest, and bitch about all the fun I'm missing out on. 9-5? Yeah, I WISH.
-Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong program. I don't speak at all in my English classes, but for some reason, have no problem talking all the damned time in my Anthro classes. Hrm. Part of this is my total lack of understanding of the English lens, but I think the other part is that I just don't really care about aesthetics/aesthetic concerns. There, I said it.
-I have officially humiliated myself by crying in the office of one of my academic idols. This was prompted by her question "So why are you in an English program," which led to panic and tears and me interpreting that question to be rhetorical and a blinding insight into my total lack of suitability for the study of literature. Which it wasn't and she totally didn't mean. But, you know, it kind of sucked at the time.
-Readings for my classes seem to follow a consistent theme. It's almost as if my profs are deciding on their syllabi together...Week 1 was Marx/Hegel/Kant, Week 2 was Freud/Lacan, and Week 3 was Derrida (aka the week I tried unsuccessfully to throw myself out the window of my basement apartment)
-I, uh, am apparently the representative for the first years in our grad school version of student government. This is what happens when you are one of only two years who show up to a meeting (BECAUSE YOU ARE ENTICED BY THE PIZZA. Kids, let this be a lesson to you! Gluttony is bad!)
-Am thinking about starting a radical pedagogy reading group. Though how I'm going to manage to do even MORE reading on top of the five classes I have, the two reading groups I'm already part of, and the reading group my adviser wants me to start (tracing the work of some theorist, his suggestion is "Judy" Butler HA), I have no idea. I'm starting to think I'm just asking for more trouble.
-My life outside of grad school is zero. Ergo my personal life is zero. The two options I was half-heartedly pursuing didn't work out (ok, so maybe one is still working out, but I don't want it to because frankly, while this girl is quite attractive, I am terribly bored by her), and honestly, I'm starting to think I'm not capable of being actually interested in anyone right now. That said, I'm meeting some fabulous friends outside of my program, including M in the history program and R in communications. Hurrah qpoc!
-I'm thinking about writing my final paper for one of these classes on the MTV show From G's to Gents. Oh yes, I am totally becoming a Serious Academic (but seriously...constructions of black masculinity? Male fraternity/homoeroticism? Issues of intention/reception/audience? It's a goldmine!)
-Speaking of which: I AM GOING TO AN ACADEMIC TALK ON R. KELLY AND TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET THIS WEEK. (Highlight of my day/week/month? Undoubtedly!)
-Ok, and I also recently attended a talk given by David Scott, who had this amazing discussion on the generational differences in experiences of temporality in Granada. I put this in not only because it was a really thought-provoking paper, but also to make it seem like I actually do attend legit academic functions (HA).
I can't really think of any more things that have happened offhand, but I think those points kind of cover the major things that have been going on with me. While I have been angsting about/questioning my preparedness, intelligence, and suitability (a lot, a lot), I figure we all have to start from somewhere, and I might as well use my panic to move forward and work hard(er).
That said, expect a frazzled, panicky, self-doubting post sometime in the near future. What good's a blog if I can't rant and bitch and totally freak out, right?
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2 comments:
Contrasting our programs is so strange. My program is way more of a "job skills" sort of a program, less academic rigor, a lot of age ranges, people going back to school after working in the field for 15 years, whatever. But consequently I have met nobody so even though I have, probably, more time, I don't really have any friends!
I'm volunteering for the queer resource center, at least. And I spent the last three days in a 20-hour seminar on social liberation. Half of it was the token white straight male backlash, being like, "But does oppression really exist or is it just another lens certain people use that's equally but no more valid than any other lens?" Some of it was good. It wasn't foundation-rocking or anything.
In conclusion, I MISS ENGLISH COURSES SO MUCH. On Friday I lurked around the English department hallway being a creep and eyeing their grad student reading group posters. I really miss being an English major. (Though those three weeks of theory sound killer.)
Ah FUCK! I was soooo effin excited to watch "From G's to Gents" after I saw the first episode and realized just HOW MUCH there is to discuss about what's going on... but somehow I lost track of it. Will pick up soon. And would love to contribute some thinking-out-loud if you *do* write a paper on it...
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