I got a facebook message today from a guy I knew tangentially in college saying that he was going through old issues of the poetry magazine and one of my poems really struck him. Aside from totally making my night (I mean, this is probably up there for top facebook messages I've ever gotten...with the propositioning for friendship and the "lets hook up" ones rounding out the top, of course), it really made me think about what I've given up creatively and the ways in which my mind works now versus how it worked in the past.
I haven't written a poem or seriously attempted to do so since I took the advanced poetry workshop my junior year. Even when I feel compelled to express something (which happens sometimes, late at night, when it is quiet, or when I am very, very sad), I feel paralyzed by the pressure of having to produce something. I'm my own worst critic...I've spent far too much time reading and loving poetry, as well as judging other peoples' work, to let myself just explode words on a page and work around that inspiration. I immediately second-guess things, or hate a turn of phrase, or again, get totally overwhelmed by the thought of having to write something that I deem worthwhile.
It doesn't help that I was never a "real" poet in my process...most of my best poems just came out similar to their final versions, pretty fully formed and without the need for many edits. I never learned to refine something until it worked; the poem either came out working or I would scrap it entirely while I was writing it. I never developed the right kind of work ethic to rethink or repolish a poem. I don't know how to take a few stellar lines in a bad piece of work and just make something entirely new from it.
Most critically, though, is the fact that I don't really feel as deeply and intensely as I did before. In high school, I wrote poems about emotions that I had never felt, experiences I had never had. I could write because my mind could explore anything and link it to whatever I wanted...I hadn't lived enough to be limited by what something "really felt like." In college, I was pretty intensely depressed at points. For the three years that I was writing, I either wrote about my father leaving or else about failed relationships (the first year) and intensely missing my partner (yeah, long distance relationships). I could write because I was living through things I could document, because I actually was going into the woods at night and sitting on the same rock to smoke and cry. This made for a bunch of self-indulgent poems, but I (like to think I) wrote some rather beautiful things and painted some interesting images. Even if they were true to life.
These days, bogged down by fear of writing shit and lack of inspiration, I just feel like those kinds of poems are too obnoxious and self-indulgent. I've grown up. I'm pretty much over my father's absence, and I'm far too emotionally stunted/burned out from my last relationship (two and a half years, mind you) to care about the little flings I have here and there to break up the monotony. I don't think I feel anything too much anymore, which is why there's nothing for me to channel into writing. How can you express something in words when there's nothing to express? Or it feels compeletely trivial to express anything at all?
Maybe I just need for things to marinate, for more life experience to acculumate, and then I can start writing again in a way that feels right to me. All I know is that I feel a little sad now when I think about poetry and what it used to mean to me back then and the huge role it played in my life. It doesn't anymore. And maybe that's okay. And maybe that will change.
Also, to keep this post from being totally whiny and self-absorbed, here's a hilarious link about the different types of hookups that occur at academic conferences. Oh la la!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
alright
First off: No more promises to update (more) regularly. I hate saying that I'll do something, constantly intending to do it, and yet never following through. Lets just try for me claiming that I'll make more of an effort. Here's to hoping.
So here I am, one semester of grad school under my belt, trying to enjoy the two weeks of freedom that I have before the next semester starts. The last two and a half weeks of my life have involved me hiding in my apartment like some grouchy and stressed-out hermit, constantly in my pjs, emerging to see the sun every four to five days only for groceries. And by groceries, I mean frozen food. I wrote one decent paper, one well-written but less content-filled paper (that also unfortunately just...ended. As in, there was no conclusion. I just stopped writing), and one paper that I am deeply ashamed of and is honestly the worst academic paper of my life thus far.
If I had to sum up most the semester, it would have to be like this: I was horribly disappointed and disillusioned by the pre-professionalism and competitive environment of grad school (this is, of course, also recognizing that I am at one of the nicest programs in the country), I hated a lot of the people in my program for being so specialized that they couldn't see past their own disciplines (and also being so incredibly focused on scholarship rather than pedagogy), and I am disappointed in my work ethic and the way that I let myself feel so inadequate or else apathetic about the whole thing.
That said, I have also met some amazing people who are really passionate about academics and activism and who care about things that I actually think are relevant, and I've also met some amazing people who don't share the same interests as me but are incredibly supportive and believe that there's a place for me in the program regardless of my different interests. I have also developed a deeper appreciation of my friends from undergrad and really understand how lucky I had it in my small liberal arts college, even if it did give me a ridiculously idealistic Pollyanna view of education and learning.
So my goals for the next semester (and year) are:
1) Talk more. I don't care if I'm contributing to the overall class. I need to realize that my interests are important as well and I'm entitled to my opinion
2) Start the radical pedagogy reading group. Invest time in this, because I really care about it
3) Stop procrastinating and start papers earlier. The 4+ hours of television a day...DONE
4) Get out of my little campus radius at least once a month. I refuse to not have a social life anymore
Those four things basically sum it all up. What about you guys? Any resolutions for the new year?
So here I am, one semester of grad school under my belt, trying to enjoy the two weeks of freedom that I have before the next semester starts. The last two and a half weeks of my life have involved me hiding in my apartment like some grouchy and stressed-out hermit, constantly in my pjs, emerging to see the sun every four to five days only for groceries. And by groceries, I mean frozen food. I wrote one decent paper, one well-written but less content-filled paper (that also unfortunately just...ended. As in, there was no conclusion. I just stopped writing), and one paper that I am deeply ashamed of and is honestly the worst academic paper of my life thus far.
If I had to sum up most the semester, it would have to be like this: I was horribly disappointed and disillusioned by the pre-professionalism and competitive environment of grad school (this is, of course, also recognizing that I am at one of the nicest programs in the country), I hated a lot of the people in my program for being so specialized that they couldn't see past their own disciplines (and also being so incredibly focused on scholarship rather than pedagogy), and I am disappointed in my work ethic and the way that I let myself feel so inadequate or else apathetic about the whole thing.
That said, I have also met some amazing people who are really passionate about academics and activism and who care about things that I actually think are relevant, and I've also met some amazing people who don't share the same interests as me but are incredibly supportive and believe that there's a place for me in the program regardless of my different interests. I have also developed a deeper appreciation of my friends from undergrad and really understand how lucky I had it in my small liberal arts college, even if it did give me a ridiculously idealistic Pollyanna view of education and learning.
So my goals for the next semester (and year) are:
1) Talk more. I don't care if I'm contributing to the overall class. I need to realize that my interests are important as well and I'm entitled to my opinion
2) Start the radical pedagogy reading group. Invest time in this, because I really care about it
3) Stop procrastinating and start papers earlier. The 4+ hours of television a day...DONE
4) Get out of my little campus radius at least once a month. I refuse to not have a social life anymore
Those four things basically sum it all up. What about you guys? Any resolutions for the new year?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
typical
So much for the promise to update more regularly. Goodness. Well, I'm still (somewhat) alive, still grinding along...though I have developed two secret fantasies since I last checked in at this blog. Namely:
1) Run away from grad school and become a professional poker player (aka become an internet sloth-loser who spends 14+ hours a day clicking away at a computer whilst chugging Red Bull and stuffing face with crappy, cold pizza).
Obstacles: Have not actually learned how to properly play poker
Solution: Totally planning to buy poker books and practice online this winter break
Cause of delusion: Way too much watching of internet poker (pokertube.com baby)
Reality check: Hey! Lots of professional poker players either have PhDs or else quit right before dissertating...
2) Run away from grad school, go to China, start working at a bakery/accessories shop/does it really matter?, and engage in a horribly cliched and normative romance with an earnest Chinese boy who will think we will have gotten to some kind of base when we hold hands for the first time (with cheesy C-pop swelling in the background, of course. Or fireworks.)
Obstacles: My Chinese skills are, uh, not so stellar (to put it mildly)
Solution: ...I hear immersion is good for that business?
Cause of delusion: Do I really need to say it? Asian soap operas! (mysoju.com, crunchyroll.com, dramacrazy.net, I hope these sites ruin your life as much as they have ruined mine)
Reality check: Ok, this one might be ludicrous enough that I don't need a reality check.
In more serious news, I've determined that grad school life consists of: work, bitching about work, procrastinating on your computer while you should be doing work, and occasionally roaming around the one mile radius of your apartment/library/department and "hanging out" with other graduate students while feeling guilty about not working. I seem to always be doing some variation of one of these things. Horrible. Its gotten to the point where I know I don't see anyone but grad students and it's actually a shocking improvement if I see someone outside of my friend M (whose futon I am constantly studying/crashing on).
On the upside, I have been to several interesting talks in the last month (Fred Moten and Junot Diaz, most notably), and I've also got a feminist pedagogy seminar coming up that I'm totally looking forward to. I've finished with all of my presentations (hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!) and am also starting to really think about final papers (though thinking about does not actually equal having concrete topics, unfortunately).
I've also registered for classes next semester. The list of classes include:
1) 18th century Orientalism and global trade from China to the West Indies, focusing on issues of mercantilism, luxury, and consumption
2) Critical Race Theory (legal texts...very nervous about this, as my super brilliant and intimidating advisor is teaching this class)
3) Course on the history and theory of social stigma (drawing on queer theory, critical race, and disability studies)
4) Auditing another anthropology course (you know me, always gotta do it!) on culture, identity, and power.
Anyways, I really, REALLY will try harder to update from here on out (I know, I know, says the one who promised the same thing over a month ago). But expect an update this coming Friday (or Saturday), because a hugely contentious and controversial meeting amongst the English grad students is slated for that day. And with that juicy tidbit...
1) Run away from grad school and become a professional poker player (aka become an internet sloth-loser who spends 14+ hours a day clicking away at a computer whilst chugging Red Bull and stuffing face with crappy, cold pizza).
Obstacles: Have not actually learned how to properly play poker
Solution: Totally planning to buy poker books and practice online this winter break
Cause of delusion: Way too much watching of internet poker (pokertube.com baby)
Reality check: Hey! Lots of professional poker players either have PhDs or else quit right before dissertating...
2) Run away from grad school, go to China, start working at a bakery/accessories shop/does it really matter?, and engage in a horribly cliched and normative romance with an earnest Chinese boy who will think we will have gotten to some kind of base when we hold hands for the first time (with cheesy C-pop swelling in the background, of course. Or fireworks.)
Obstacles: My Chinese skills are, uh, not so stellar (to put it mildly)
Solution: ...I hear immersion is good for that business?
Cause of delusion: Do I really need to say it? Asian soap operas! (mysoju.com, crunchyroll.com, dramacrazy.net, I hope these sites ruin your life as much as they have ruined mine)
Reality check: Ok, this one might be ludicrous enough that I don't need a reality check.
In more serious news, I've determined that grad school life consists of: work, bitching about work, procrastinating on your computer while you should be doing work, and occasionally roaming around the one mile radius of your apartment/library/department and "hanging out" with other graduate students while feeling guilty about not working. I seem to always be doing some variation of one of these things. Horrible. Its gotten to the point where I know I don't see anyone but grad students and it's actually a shocking improvement if I see someone outside of my friend M (whose futon I am constantly studying/crashing on).
On the upside, I have been to several interesting talks in the last month (Fred Moten and Junot Diaz, most notably), and I've also got a feminist pedagogy seminar coming up that I'm totally looking forward to. I've finished with all of my presentations (hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!) and am also starting to really think about final papers (though thinking about does not actually equal having concrete topics, unfortunately).
I've also registered for classes next semester. The list of classes include:
1) 18th century Orientalism and global trade from China to the West Indies, focusing on issues of mercantilism, luxury, and consumption
2) Critical Race Theory (legal texts...very nervous about this, as my super brilliant and intimidating advisor is teaching this class)
3) Course on the history and theory of social stigma (drawing on queer theory, critical race, and disability studies)
4) Auditing another anthropology course (you know me, always gotta do it!) on culture, identity, and power.
Anyways, I really, REALLY will try harder to update from here on out (I know, I know, says the one who promised the same thing over a month ago). But expect an update this coming Friday (or Saturday), because a hugely contentious and controversial meeting amongst the English grad students is slated for that day. And with that juicy tidbit...
Monday, October 6, 2008
procrastination, procrastination, procrastination
You know, when you put off updating a blog for a damned long time (in this case, about a month, and that month being the first month of the first semester of your first year), you get into this vicious cycle of constant delay because you figure, hell, what's one more delayed rant about a mini crisis in the whole long scheme of things. Well, I'm trying to break out of that cycle and start updating more regularly, so here goes a quick recap of whats been going on with me/revelations from the past few weeks:
-Whoever told me my rigorous undergrad education would make grad school seem like a breeze LIED. All I do is work, watch trashy tv to let my brain rest, and bitch about all the fun I'm missing out on. 9-5? Yeah, I WISH.
-Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong program. I don't speak at all in my English classes, but for some reason, have no problem talking all the damned time in my Anthro classes. Hrm. Part of this is my total lack of understanding of the English lens, but I think the other part is that I just don't really care about aesthetics/aesthetic concerns. There, I said it.
-I have officially humiliated myself by crying in the office of one of my academic idols. This was prompted by her question "So why are you in an English program," which led to panic and tears and me interpreting that question to be rhetorical and a blinding insight into my total lack of suitability for the study of literature. Which it wasn't and she totally didn't mean. But, you know, it kind of sucked at the time.
-Readings for my classes seem to follow a consistent theme. It's almost as if my profs are deciding on their syllabi together...Week 1 was Marx/Hegel/Kant, Week 2 was Freud/Lacan, and Week 3 was Derrida (aka the week I tried unsuccessfully to throw myself out the window of my basement apartment)
-I, uh, am apparently the representative for the first years in our grad school version of student government. This is what happens when you are one of only two years who show up to a meeting (BECAUSE YOU ARE ENTICED BY THE PIZZA. Kids, let this be a lesson to you! Gluttony is bad!)
-Am thinking about starting a radical pedagogy reading group. Though how I'm going to manage to do even MORE reading on top of the five classes I have, the two reading groups I'm already part of, and the reading group my adviser wants me to start (tracing the work of some theorist, his suggestion is "Judy" Butler HA), I have no idea. I'm starting to think I'm just asking for more trouble.
-My life outside of grad school is zero. Ergo my personal life is zero. The two options I was half-heartedly pursuing didn't work out (ok, so maybe one is still working out, but I don't want it to because frankly, while this girl is quite attractive, I am terribly bored by her), and honestly, I'm starting to think I'm not capable of being actually interested in anyone right now. That said, I'm meeting some fabulous friends outside of my program, including M in the history program and R in communications. Hurrah qpoc!
-I'm thinking about writing my final paper for one of these classes on the MTV show From G's to Gents. Oh yes, I am totally becoming a Serious Academic (but seriously...constructions of black masculinity? Male fraternity/homoeroticism? Issues of intention/reception/audience? It's a goldmine!)
-Speaking of which: I AM GOING TO AN ACADEMIC TALK ON R. KELLY AND TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET THIS WEEK. (Highlight of my day/week/month? Undoubtedly!)
-Ok, and I also recently attended a talk given by David Scott, who had this amazing discussion on the generational differences in experiences of temporality in Granada. I put this in not only because it was a really thought-provoking paper, but also to make it seem like I actually do attend legit academic functions (HA).
I can't really think of any more things that have happened offhand, but I think those points kind of cover the major things that have been going on with me. While I have been angsting about/questioning my preparedness, intelligence, and suitability (a lot, a lot), I figure we all have to start from somewhere, and I might as well use my panic to move forward and work hard(er).
That said, expect a frazzled, panicky, self-doubting post sometime in the near future. What good's a blog if I can't rant and bitch and totally freak out, right?
-Whoever told me my rigorous undergrad education would make grad school seem like a breeze LIED. All I do is work, watch trashy tv to let my brain rest, and bitch about all the fun I'm missing out on. 9-5? Yeah, I WISH.
-Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong program. I don't speak at all in my English classes, but for some reason, have no problem talking all the damned time in my Anthro classes. Hrm. Part of this is my total lack of understanding of the English lens, but I think the other part is that I just don't really care about aesthetics/aesthetic concerns. There, I said it.
-I have officially humiliated myself by crying in the office of one of my academic idols. This was prompted by her question "So why are you in an English program," which led to panic and tears and me interpreting that question to be rhetorical and a blinding insight into my total lack of suitability for the study of literature. Which it wasn't and she totally didn't mean. But, you know, it kind of sucked at the time.
-Readings for my classes seem to follow a consistent theme. It's almost as if my profs are deciding on their syllabi together...Week 1 was Marx/Hegel/Kant, Week 2 was Freud/Lacan, and Week 3 was Derrida (aka the week I tried unsuccessfully to throw myself out the window of my basement apartment)
-I, uh, am apparently the representative for the first years in our grad school version of student government. This is what happens when you are one of only two years who show up to a meeting (BECAUSE YOU ARE ENTICED BY THE PIZZA. Kids, let this be a lesson to you! Gluttony is bad!)
-Am thinking about starting a radical pedagogy reading group. Though how I'm going to manage to do even MORE reading on top of the five classes I have, the two reading groups I'm already part of, and the reading group my adviser wants me to start (tracing the work of some theorist, his suggestion is "Judy" Butler HA), I have no idea. I'm starting to think I'm just asking for more trouble.
-My life outside of grad school is zero. Ergo my personal life is zero. The two options I was half-heartedly pursuing didn't work out (ok, so maybe one is still working out, but I don't want it to because frankly, while this girl is quite attractive, I am terribly bored by her), and honestly, I'm starting to think I'm not capable of being actually interested in anyone right now. That said, I'm meeting some fabulous friends outside of my program, including M in the history program and R in communications. Hurrah qpoc!
-I'm thinking about writing my final paper for one of these classes on the MTV show From G's to Gents. Oh yes, I am totally becoming a Serious Academic (but seriously...constructions of black masculinity? Male fraternity/homoeroticism? Issues of intention/reception/audience? It's a goldmine!)
-Speaking of which: I AM GOING TO AN ACADEMIC TALK ON R. KELLY AND TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET THIS WEEK. (Highlight of my day/week/month? Undoubtedly!)
-Ok, and I also recently attended a talk given by David Scott, who had this amazing discussion on the generational differences in experiences of temporality in Granada. I put this in not only because it was a really thought-provoking paper, but also to make it seem like I actually do attend legit academic functions (HA).
I can't really think of any more things that have happened offhand, but I think those points kind of cover the major things that have been going on with me. While I have been angsting about/questioning my preparedness, intelligence, and suitability (a lot, a lot), I figure we all have to start from somewhere, and I might as well use my panic to move forward and work hard(er).
That said, expect a frazzled, panicky, self-doubting post sometime in the near future. What good's a blog if I can't rant and bitch and totally freak out, right?
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Apologies for the long delay! Grad school is in full swing, and I'm definitely getting my ass kicked. Between the readings (I'd say around 300-400 pages a week per class, keeping in mind I'm taking four classes and auditing one), talks, random reading groups/events (just got elected as a representative for the first years in the graduate group), and so on, its been one hectic ride...but I will be updating soon!
Monday, September 1, 2008
umm
So I went to a grad students party last night that was thrown by (and comprised of predominately) Comparative Literature people, and I have to say, I was seriously, seriously underwhelmed. C warned me beforehand that a lot of grad parties are like clique-y networking events, and furthermore, every Comp Lit party she'd ever been to was "filled with people talking loudly in various different languages just to show that they can."
She was basically right. While I can't (and wouldn't want to) say that I didn't like the people that I did meet (ok, minus this really creepy German lit guy who hit on me in the most awkward way possible...I think he thought that telling me the Greek or Roman or whatever meaning of his name was supposed to impress me or something), it was really hard to interact with people that I didn't already know beforehand.
On the upside, I met another girl who's in my cohort, and she seems pretty fabulous. She's 30 (!!!), but looks 24 (double !!!!), and has been teaching in LA for the past few years.
All in all, I guess I'm glad that my first experience with a grad party was so lame because it can only go up from there, right? Lets hope, because my orientation is tomorrow, and there is plenty of food, alcohol, and schmoozing that's scheduled throughout the day and night.
She was basically right. While I can't (and wouldn't want to) say that I didn't like the people that I did meet (ok, minus this really creepy German lit guy who hit on me in the most awkward way possible...I think he thought that telling me the Greek or Roman or whatever meaning of his name was supposed to impress me or something), it was really hard to interact with people that I didn't already know beforehand.
On the upside, I met another girl who's in my cohort, and she seems pretty fabulous. She's 30 (!!!), but looks 24 (double !!!!), and has been teaching in LA for the past few years.
All in all, I guess I'm glad that my first experience with a grad party was so lame because it can only go up from there, right? Lets hope, because my orientation is tomorrow, and there is plenty of food, alcohol, and schmoozing that's scheduled throughout the day and night.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I finally got an email back from the anthropology professor whose class I wanted to audit but couldn't (and let me just say, it's so WEIRD to me to have professors not respond to my emails immediately. Being at a small liberal arts college spoiled the fuck out of me...I start getting paranoid that profs hate me or else have decided to ignore me completely when I don't get a response within a day, which apparently is unheard of at larger universities), and it turns out that the class might be moved to a time that wouldn't conflict with my schedule. I can't even express how fucking amazing that would be (I am honestly more excited about this course than most of the courses I'm taking in my own department this semester), but I'm trying not to get my hopes too high in case it still doesn't work out.
In other news, the classes for the spring semester have come out...and once again, I am nerding out over the delicious, delicious possibilities. We're supposed to take only three courses for the semester, but there are four that I refuse to choose between, so I guess I'll just do the whole audit thing again. Right now (having only seen the course names and not the descriptions), I plan on taking the courses on 18th-century orientalism, critical race theory, and stigma (my first psychoanalytic theory class in grad school!) while auditing the course on Deleuze. I am seriously crossing my fingers that there won't be any amazing options in the anthropology department, because apparently we're only allowed one audit per semester (and I've already been warned by the upper-classmen that auditing is just stupid and will lead to the death of me/my social life). On the other hand, my undergraduate experience didn't exactly prepare me for a life of partying and funtimes, so worse comes to worse, I'll do my audit and try to see if the anthro profs will let me just sit in on the course.
Finally, I'd like to share a concert video that a friend of mine (T) sent me a while back. It's Chris Brown's "Take You Down," and it's one of those videos that I just can't make up my mind about. On the one hand, I'm terribly amused by the horrible pelvic thrusts and of course leerily appreciative of his (and his backup dancers) hot bodies (nevermind his age, lets just pretend that his being legal is all that matters). But on the other hand, I'm really disturbed by the fact that there are screaming 12 year old girls (and possibly boys!) in the audience watching this...but then, am I trying to limit childrens/teens sexuality? Am I naive to not realize that they're probably exposed to just as explicit (if not more) images in their day-to-day lives? Videos like this make me feel seriously old and un-hip (alright, and possibly like a pedophile for drooling over Chris Brown). Anyways, here's the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLRE8z94VbU
Thoughts? Comments? Jokes about the dance moves?
In other news, the classes for the spring semester have come out...and once again, I am nerding out over the delicious, delicious possibilities. We're supposed to take only three courses for the semester, but there are four that I refuse to choose between, so I guess I'll just do the whole audit thing again. Right now (having only seen the course names and not the descriptions), I plan on taking the courses on 18th-century orientalism, critical race theory, and stigma (my first psychoanalytic theory class in grad school!) while auditing the course on Deleuze. I am seriously crossing my fingers that there won't be any amazing options in the anthropology department, because apparently we're only allowed one audit per semester (and I've already been warned by the upper-classmen that auditing is just stupid and will lead to the death of me/my social life). On the other hand, my undergraduate experience didn't exactly prepare me for a life of partying and funtimes, so worse comes to worse, I'll do my audit and try to see if the anthro profs will let me just sit in on the course.
Finally, I'd like to share a concert video that a friend of mine (T) sent me a while back. It's Chris Brown's "Take You Down," and it's one of those videos that I just can't make up my mind about. On the one hand, I'm terribly amused by the horrible pelvic thrusts and of course leerily appreciative of his (and his backup dancers) hot bodies (nevermind his age, lets just pretend that his being legal is all that matters). But on the other hand, I'm really disturbed by the fact that there are screaming 12 year old girls (and possibly boys!) in the audience watching this...but then, am I trying to limit childrens/teens sexuality? Am I naive to not realize that they're probably exposed to just as explicit (if not more) images in their day-to-day lives? Videos like this make me feel seriously old and un-hip (alright, and possibly like a pedophile for drooling over Chris Brown). Anyways, here's the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLRE8z94VbU
Thoughts? Comments? Jokes about the dance moves?
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