on sex, awkwardness, and things that are simultaneously funny and personally mortifying

While I've never been one to be shy of the college, and now "real world," hookup culture (and at one point this summer was casually seeing three people at the same time...oh the life of a young city dweller!), there has been a certain, supposedly common experience that managed to elude me: the booty call. Yes, that wonderfully brazen, often drunken, propositioning of an individual that you are not interested in knowing beyond the biblical sense of the word.

Well, that tender innocence of mine (hah!) is tragically no more. Last night, around 2 in the morning, I was awakened by a text. To be more specific: a booty call text (or should it just be called a booty text?) from a guy that I dated earlier in the summer but was no longer really seeing (it was one of those unfortunate end of the college year hookups that bleeds into the first parts of summer. Plus we had made it exclusive, which was just stupid given the context, but that's another story).

Anyways, after trying to determine if I should allow my slight sense of horror (I mean, really, he couldn't call? He had to freaking text?!) to outweigh my total amusement over what was happening, I decided to just let myself be charmed by the absurdity of the situation (I mean, my first booty call! What a milestone!) and let him come over.

Of course, this whole business was made all the more special by the fact that he didn't leave afterward, but instead, came with me the next morning to the farmer's market/lunch outing that I had set up with one of the girls in my program, C. Now normally this wouldn't necessarily be awkward or embarrassing, except that I had helped C move into her apartment the previous night (she's in the same complex as me) and hung out with her until midnight, when we went back to our rooms to "sleep." Though I was clearly alone when she last saw me (and when I told her that I was tired and going to bed), I somehow had a guy in my apartment by the time she came back in the morning (and given his rather disheveled look and the fact that I hadn't mentioned him when we initially made plans, I doubt that she thought he had just dropped by for the trip). In other words, I am totally making the most awesome and professional first impression on my cohort-mate/person I'm spending the next six years with.

In the end, though, the way that I figure it is that at least I've gotten a funny story out of my first booty call (which was, of course, undoubtedly made all the more booty by the fact that it wasn't even a call, but rather, a text). Who knows, maybe someday I'll stop being able to joke about the ridiculous/embarrassing moments that constitute my life (or maybe I'll develop enough tact or fear of social disapproval that I won't regale these stories quite so publicly). But for now, I'm damned glad that I don't (and don't have to) give a shit about what others think of me or my choices. It feels good to be able to just laugh at myself and look forward to whatever other ridiculousity that may/will be coming my way.

mystery solved!

It turns out that the random emailer found my information on my program's website and only made a lucky guess that I was also into postcolonial literature. I've been corresponding back and forth with him over the past week and a half, and I have to say, it's quite interesting to exchange ideas with someone whose background and current context are so different from my own. I recently turned 22 years old (my birthday was on the 24th!) and have jumped straight from undergrad to a Ph.D. program. My e-pal is probably in his 40s (this guess based on the pictures he sent), married with two children (ages 12 and 14), and has an MPhil in International Relations and is working on an MA in English.

In other news, I move back to my apartment on Saturday and will officially be living alone for the first time in my life. I'm pretty nervous about it, though apparently not as nervous as some of my friends are for me. I've heard from quite a few of them that they've had conversations amongst themselves about how badly my first year alone can potentially go. Chief concerns include:

1) My horrible habit of smiling at or enduring conversation from random strangers (I can't help it! I'm from the Midwest, dammit!)

2) What can only be kindly termed as my sheer ridiculousness/impracticality/lack of life skills (as one good friend put it, "I have these visions of the lights going off in your apartment and you not knowing what to do about it." Me: "So true. Touche. Touche.")

3) The way I become a crazy hermit when I'm left to my own devices (namely: I burrow into my room and basically fall off the face of the planet. All the while, my mind wanders into strange crevices of the universe and folds in on itself, usually in ways that do not enhance my already degraded social skills)

4) Me + alcohol (I don't really drink anymore, so when I do, I tend to get smashed, and I'm not using that word lightly) + no one to walk me home + my horrible sense of surroundings (not only do I have no concept of directions, but I'm also ridiculously unobservant. I don't notice when people I'm looking for are literally two feet away from me, which doesn't bode well for walking the streets of a major city at night)

On the upside, though, I have two months before the program starts to feel everything out and hopefully become more of a seasoned individual (seasoned at...life? Apartment-dwelling? Not being a sheltered child? Hmm...the possibilities are endless!). On the downside, I won't have internet service until July 7, so I will be unable to post until then.

Lets all cross our fingers that I don't go wacky from the lack of internet (I compulsively check my email at least 15+ times a day) or else have some other kind of horrible disaster befall me. Positive thoughts, people! Positive thoughts!

oh goodness

So I went to the rock/paper/scissors tournament last night and somehow made it to the semifinal match. I lost in the third round, third throw (oh the drama/tension! I chose scissors, he chose rock), but I don't feel too bad about it because: 1) I honestly think rps is mainly chance (though I guess with the top 2 guys there seemed to be some strategy involved) 2) I lost to the eventual champ, who with his win, set the City League (yes, there is apparently a league. And there was an official ref, with official ref-wear) record for most championships in a season.

So it goes.

weekend recap!

The little scavenger hunt that I alluded to in the last post ended up being one of the most interesting/entertaining/ridiculous experiences that I've had in my college career. My awesome team ended up placing third (out of 22 registered teams!), and I have to say, I don't know if I'll ever participate in anything as simultaneously challenging and absolutely absurd.

Some of the things that I did:
-Gained employment at a car wash
-"Got freaky" on a mannequin in Macy's
-Researched where to buy a live chicken in my city, as well as contacted the local Humane Society so we could return it afterwards (my teammates carried this out, but I found the information)
-Rickrolled a dean
-Translated an entire chapter of Harry Potter into l33t (such a tragedy, actually, because I misread the task and we were only supposed to translate a paragraph)
-Went co-ed skinny dipping at six in the morning (fucking COLD)
-Slept only 40 minutes the entire 24 hour period and fasted the entire time (it was for points. Stupid, I know, but true)
-Got two people under the age of 18 to read one of the Vagina Monologues for the judges
-Got an 80 year old woman* to do the same

Some of the things my teammates did:
-Naked oil wrestled in front of a huge cheering crowd of people
-Used a dual douche/enema device
-Febreezed the entirety of one of the frats on campus
-Masturbated a la mysterious stranger (when you sit on your hands until they go numb and then masturbate) while crying to "Love Will Tear Us Apart" in the background AND FILMED IT FROM THE WAIST DOWN
-Railed garam masala (apparently this stuff BURNS) off an erect penis
-Gave a blowjob on the lawn of the college's president (as in not the student one, but the one that gets paid tons of money)
-Drank their own piss
-Suckled a cat
-Participated in an actual circle jerk (again, to the approving cheers of a shit ton of people)
-Came on some Tastykakes and then ate their own cum in front of the judges

While some of this stuff may sound horrible and demeaning, in the end, none of us felt like we did anything that we regretted (which is, I think, really important). Also, realize that I'm giving you the most ridiculous highlights (there were other, less shocking tasks, like offering to buy someone a "drank" T-pain style or calling your parents and telling them that you had gotten someone pregnant/were pregnant and sustaining the conversation for ten minutes). In the end, I think this is something I would never do again (obviously), but I am so incredibly happy that I did it once (and did it right!).

The funniest part is that this whole scavenger hunt is centered around 4/20, but no one on my team did a single drug and three of us didn't even get drunk in the entire 24 hour period of the event. When Sunday (the actual 4/20) rolled around, I was back in my favorite academic building, busily working away.

*This actually turned out to be a horrible idea. The woman that we found was pretty awful (though I guess somewhat hilarious if you could prevent yourself from being offended). When she asked me what I studied and I responded with "Sociology/Anthropology, Women's Studies, and English Literature," she asked me how I thought I was going to find a man who was willing to marry me. When I awkwardly tried to laugh and say it would be even harder because I'm going to grad school, she nodded wisely and told me that my marriageability was "going down" (my awesome teammate then tersely told her that "at least her hireability is going up").

Whilst reading the monologue (I had her do the "what my vagina would wear" because it was the least "obscene"), she commented "I suppose this is supposed to be funny," and then informed us that what her vagina would wear would be a penis "because that's what vaginas are made for." Upon seeing our shocked expressions (heterosexism! heterosexism!), she paused for another minute, and then said "Well, they're made for that and I suppose to be a birth canal."

The crowning moment came when we were leaving and she asked me where I was from "originally." When I said China, her response was, "Oh....so that's where you get that accent from." (Realize that I came to the United States when I was two years old, and I most assuredly do NOT have an accent whatsoever). I guess in some ways this woman was rather amusing (she told us that Jews brought civilization to most of the world and that she was quite upset that her son had married a Catholic), but in the end, I really question whether it was worth the whole ordeal just to get the points.

what is wrong with me/oh life

Chelsea Clinton is coming to speak at my campus soon, but I've decided not to go because I had already slated that particular day for shopping. Yes, those are seriously my priorities, and I am not ashamed to say it (plus, I've already seen her father speak, and in any case, I'm more interested in the parents than the daughter).

In less pathetic news, my oral defense for my thesis is scheduled for next Thursday. This is good because I'll have a week to prepare for the hour-long grilling, but is terrifying because I am usually dead in the mornings. We'll see how it goes. I'll definitely write up a more detailed explanation of my thesis and how the defense goes next week.

To bring the ridiculousness level back up again, I'm participating in a crazy scavenger hunt/event known as "crunkfest" this weekend (I mean, it's 4/20! And it's my last year of college. I have to do it up!). Events in previous years have included: a circle jerk, piercing of genitalia, getting Chuck Norris to call the judges, streaking as many on-campus buildings as possible, and getting a rival school's student to shave their pubes. As you can tell, it's going to get really fucking crazy.

My team's name is the ga(y)ze because we all identify as queer, and I think we're pretty ready to go all out since we're all graduating. We just spent three hours tonight working on our team flag (which is actually a huge structure made with a ton of stolen campus goods...SHHHH!), and I'd previously put in four hours cutting a bunch of eyes out of magazines (I know, so clever).

In any case, the opening ceremony for the event is this Friday at 6pm, so I'll basically be MIA from then til Sunday night. Good times!