procrastination, procrastination, procrastination

You know, when you put off updating a blog for a damned long time (in this case, about a month, and that month being the first month of the first semester of your first year), you get into this vicious cycle of constant delay because you figure, hell, what's one more delayed rant about a mini crisis in the whole long scheme of things. Well, I'm trying to break out of that cycle and start updating more regularly, so here goes a quick recap of whats been going on with me/revelations from the past few weeks:

-Whoever told me my rigorous undergrad education would make grad school seem like a breeze LIED. All I do is work, watch trashy tv to let my brain rest, and bitch about all the fun I'm missing out on. 9-5? Yeah, I WISH.

-Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong program. I don't speak at all in my English classes, but for some reason, have no problem talking all the damned time in my Anthro classes. Hrm. Part of this is my total lack of understanding of the English lens, but I think the other part is that I just don't really care about aesthetics/aesthetic concerns. There, I said it.

-I have officially humiliated myself by crying in the office of one of my academic idols. This was prompted by her question "So why are you in an English program," which led to panic and tears and me interpreting that question to be rhetorical and a blinding insight into my total lack of suitability for the study of literature. Which it wasn't and she totally didn't mean. But, you know, it kind of sucked at the time.

-Readings for my classes seem to follow a consistent theme. It's almost as if my profs are deciding on their syllabi together...Week 1 was Marx/Hegel/Kant, Week 2 was Freud/Lacan, and Week 3 was Derrida (aka the week I tried unsuccessfully to throw myself out the window of my basement apartment)

-I, uh, am apparently the representative for the first years in our grad school version of student government. This is what happens when you are one of only two years who show up to a meeting (BECAUSE YOU ARE ENTICED BY THE PIZZA. Kids, let this be a lesson to you! Gluttony is bad!)

-Am thinking about starting a radical pedagogy reading group. Though how I'm going to manage to do even MORE reading on top of the five classes I have, the two reading groups I'm already part of, and the reading group my adviser wants me to start (tracing the work of some theorist, his suggestion is "Judy" Butler HA), I have no idea. I'm starting to think I'm just asking for more trouble.

-My life outside of grad school is zero. Ergo my personal life is zero. The two options I was half-heartedly pursuing didn't work out (ok, so maybe one is still working out, but I don't want it to because frankly, while this girl is quite attractive, I am terribly bored by her), and honestly, I'm starting to think I'm not capable of being actually interested in anyone right now. That said, I'm meeting some fabulous friends outside of my program, including M in the history program and R in communications. Hurrah qpoc!

-I'm thinking about writing my final paper for one of these classes on the MTV show From G's to Gents. Oh yes, I am totally becoming a Serious Academic (but seriously...constructions of black masculinity? Male fraternity/homoeroticism? Issues of intention/reception/audience? It's a goldmine!)

-Speaking of which: I AM GOING TO AN ACADEMIC TALK ON R. KELLY AND TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET THIS WEEK. (Highlight of my day/week/month? Undoubtedly!)

-Ok, and I also recently attended a talk given by David Scott, who had this amazing discussion on the generational differences in experiences of temporality in Granada. I put this in not only because it was a really thought-provoking paper, but also to make it seem like I actually do attend legit academic functions (HA).

I can't really think of any more things that have happened offhand, but I think those points kind of cover the major things that have been going on with me. While I have been angsting about/questioning my preparedness, intelligence, and suitability (a lot, a lot), I figure we all have to start from somewhere, and I might as well use my panic to move forward and work hard(er).

That said, expect a frazzled, panicky, self-doubting post sometime in the near future. What good's a blog if I can't rant and bitch and totally freak out, right?

quick check in/update

Apologies for my recent lack of posting. While the first draft of the thesis got finished, I'm still working on edits and grappling with final papers and projects while still trying to maintain some semblance of a social life--you know, this whole being a student thing always feels a lot more difficult than it should seem to be. I mean, on face, all it is is getting academic work done and partying. How difficult can it be? (Very, apparently)

Most recently, though, I've been occupied with worrying about a very close friend of mine (lets call her C), who is currently dating someone (E) with an ex who has a tendency to exhibit some really disturbing behavior. Aside from constantly sending E vicious emails about how much she hates and wants to hurt him, she's been similarly harassing C (including signing her up for a lot of weight loss spam mail) and has even tried to justify it by claiming that she only does so because it's the most effective way to hurt E.

In the last week, things have escalated to the point where the ex has stolen and smashed E's property and, completely unprovoked, dumped a coke on him when they happened to run into each other. I'm really starting to worry about E and C's safety, and I'm hoping that they resolve things soon by getting a restraining order. While they have tried in the past (this behavior has gone on this whole semester) to just ignore her, I think it's becoming clear that this is just not enough to make her stop. She's clearly unstable and completely irrational...and at this point, it's much better to be safe than sorry.

In any case, this whole business has made me think a lot about love and expectation and the (dare I say proper?) ways to deal with disappointment. In late December, a relationship that I thought would last for the rest of my life ended and, putting the ridiculousness of that sentiment aside, I was completely devastated. However, since then, I've been so grateful for the time we've had apart. We had been together for two and a half years, and by the end, we became completely different people (in a negative way) because of the relationship. We constantly got into fights (both verbal and physical), and it was really difficult for us to have positive interactions with each other.

We're still regularly speaking, and to be completely honest, we're both committed to getting back together once we've resolved our issues. However, that means working through our issues in civil ways while still continuing on with our lives (instead of planning our lives for each other). I think this has done heaps for both of us, and I'm beginning to believe again that we can end up with each other. That said, he's coming to graduation in about a month, so I'll reserve any more final statements for when I can see how things go when we're actually face to face.

ah to be young (and free)

One of the best things that can happen to you at 3:45 in the morning whilst in the process of cracked-outedly writing your thesis (due Monday!) and chainsmoking: A call from an old friend informing you that ze has just done a line of coke and the ensuing hilarity of that conversation.

One of the best quotes in a night full of gems from others in the same thesis-fucked boat: "I told them that I had to go home and masturbate and they told me to do it in the bathroom, but I was like: 'I'm already sleep deprived. I need to use my sex toys to conserve energy!'"